It is
really very painful to part your ways with someone whom you have loved, trusted
and have dreamt of a future together.
There
would be hardly anyone who hasn't been through such a experience. No matter how
you part ways, it is always painful.
A
heavenly life becomes hell. At times pain seems to be unbearable. It feels like
you would never get over it.
If you
right set of friends then they try to soothe the pain. If you have shallow fools
around you they will keep listening to your pleas of how wrong and bad your ex
is. A true friend will tell you to stop whining and look after yourself and
will make sure that you really do that.
When I
broke up sometime early this year, a very dear friend said, “How can you cry
over same thing again and again? You thought it would last all your life
&it
didn't last even a one blow of social pressures."
Yes, it
was tough phase of my life. All my dreams were shattered in one go. I even lost
my temper once & ended up slapping him.
Who was
responsible? Me? He? Our Families? Who was it?
For me,
in the initial period, he was the one who was responsible.
Of
course, he was... He didn't protect me from his uncivilized parents. How rude
and arrogant they were to me, to my family. These thoughts kept
flooding my mind and kept me raging with anger.
My
earthly angels ensured that I had busy weekends and my manager denied leaves.
Heck, what a life! I need rest & these people had put me on a leash.
The one
of the top performers of the team had swum even below the lowest levels.
There was
not a single day when I did not cry at work or on my bed. Who shattered my
dreams? Me? He? Our Families? Who was it?
It was a
real tough task. Inner peace is something that grows inside you but does not
take birth all by itself. I started reading books & searching internet for
the seed of inner peace. Nothing in this world seemed to help. The seed kept
away from me.
As a
final attempt, I decided to take a digital break.
Few days
later, when things were slowly settling down, or trying to make sense. My
journey towards recovery had begun. Another friend said, give time some to time
to heal you.
It was
then; I asked myself why I had so much of pain? What was it that I am still
holding on? Pain or Happiness?
I started
going through the notes I had made during the so called happy times. They
troubled me as if I was walking on a path full of thorns...
There he
was my prince charming, right here in my head and was not ready to leave...
A recap
of my story without the rose-tinted glasses gave me a clear picture of Mr. Frog
who had never turned into my Prince Charming.
A
spineless man who was afraid to show me off to the world, a man who had motives
which he dared not to reveal. A man who pretended what he was not. A man who
never told me that I was beautiful, instead always criticized the way I
dressed. An escaper who never dared to move out of his comfort zone. A man who
had never dared to cross those imaginary boundaries created by selfish
individuals. A man who was not honest about himself.
Every
instance told me that things were always wrong & I had ignored them. Was
that the fact? Were the things really wrong?
That was
another question, my heart kept fighting with my mind.
Mind said
of course yes, things were wrong, Heart said come on, you cant be so practical,
he must have had something else to act in such way. The raging war lasted for
days.
I even
ended up texting him. He told me not to bother him again.
Mind
again told my heart, See didn't I tell you, he just never cared, he was trying
to use you to fulfill his family's ambitions. My heart cried, "thats not
possible... We had so much of good time." Mind said having good time with
one doesn't negate the negative approach. At least check if that person was
completely with you. My notes said he was never completely with me. He was
either tweeting his friends or playing games or busy checking in at places
virtually. His phone was part of his existence. Yes, but then I also realized
that this person doesn't have the capacity to be at any place anytime
completely. He is so paralyzed without his phone. I wondered if he even knew
what his parent’s cell phone numbers were.
I realized that I had
learnt to live with so much of abuse and manipulation, that I was missing it.
What I had was definitely was not love, it was slavery. The moment I realized
this, I was free.
The magic
of reality had started setting in. I additionally, took some relationship
counseling. My counselor is a wonderful woman who kept reminding me that
I was
beautiful and definitely didn't deserve such abuse. I started regaining my
confidence. I felt like phoenix, resurrecting from ashes.
My life
is at turning point... with a total new view for life and to look at myself...